Live. Laugh. Hope. Love

Things I Think About December 4, 2008

Posted by livelaughhopelove in Uncategorized.
Tags: relationships, the consequences of falling
2 comments

As I’m getting more and more involved with the new boy, I have been doing more and more thinking. We’ve jumped into this and have talked through every step of the way, so The Crazy hasn’t really surfaced.

 

So the analytical part jumps in. And you know what I realized? That I’ve always said I was scared of letting someone in too much or trusting them too much, but really I was scared because of how much I lost myself in the process. And I didn’t recognize it at the time, but is where the fear came from.

 

With my ex, especially toward the end, I was scared because I knew when the day came that he would leave me, I would be lost. I was scared because he became my world. And I believe that a person should be a large part of your world, but they can’t be your entire world. I thought I learned that lesson years ago with The Ex, but I fell back into that trap again. Maybe now, I really am aware of it.

 

I admitted that when I cried over my ex, I was really crying for me. I was crying because I was afraid. I was crying because I didn’t trust that he was there for me, and I had given so much to him.

 

And now? I’m learning how to be reserved but to let someone in. To care and to give and know that I deserve care and giving in return.

 

I thanked the new boy last night. For letting me love him. But what I was really thanking him for was loving me. For showing me that I am deserving of love like that.

 

We’ve said that the overplayed romanticized Rascal Flatts song “Bless The Broken Road” is our song. To me, the line about others who broke my heart were like northern stars pointing me to you speaks volumes. It’s true. If I hadn’t spent all that time with the ex, I wouldn’t realize how much I was missing. How much I truly deserve in a relationship, and how it is possible. I’m not asking for too much. I’m asking to be loved and respected. And yes, I will make mistakes along the way.

 

But the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons learned, they’ve led me to where I am today. And because of them – or in spite of them – they’ve led me to him. And I am happy. As I said to someone today, you can’t ask for more than that. To be happy and to be loved? I can get used to this…