Live. Laugh. Hope. Love

All By Myself November 3, 2008

I wonder sometimes why I feel like I need to have someone else in my life. I feel like I’m looking for a relationship, a boyfriend, but maybe I should be focusing more on myself. I do like myself. I have no problem lying on my couch with a blanket, my laptop, and the remote. I have friends, I have activities, I keep busy.

Two months ago, I thought my world was shattered. I looked in my day planner and just saw empty space. I didn’t know what to do. Instead of feeling sorry for myself (for too long), I adjusted. I lived for me. I immersed myself in my class. I joined soccer again and started looking for indoor teams. I decided to join a kickball team, figuring if nothing else, it was something to do on Saturday afternoons this fall.

Now? My schedule has been full. I’ve gone to dinner, drinks, happy hours, wine tastings with friends. I’ve gone to football games, weddings, parties. I have been asked to join four different indoor soccer teams (unfortunately three of them play on the same night, and it’s the same night I have class right now!). Kickball has been amazing, and through that, I’ve created an even bigger circle of people to go out with.

I’ve been asked out, I’ve been kissed, I’ve been asked to dance. I’ve joined a gym. I’ve started cooking again. I’ve done a lot of cleaning, decorating and making my condo into my home. The past two months haven’t been easy, don’t get me wrong. Letting go of someone that you loved is difficult. And I’ve kept busy. I’ve let myself lean on my friends and my family, and they’ve been wonderful. I’ve allowed myself to cry and give myself pep talks to get out of bed. I haven’t done either of those things in probably about a month now.

I’ve let go. Do I still get pangs of missing him?  Yes, but not him, missing someone. Missing someone in my life to share things with, to laugh with, to cuddle with, to be with. I fear that I miss someone too much. That I’d settle just to have someone by my side. I know I deserve someone that appreciates me for who I am. Who respects me, is honest with me, and will love me unconditionally. I deserve a relationship based on trust, communication and respect. I deserve to be happy.

I am comfortable with myself, and I know that can be an attraction to others. I’m down to earth and honest, and if people aren’t intimidated by that, they are drawn to it (I’m refering to men and women, both friendships and relationships). But inside, I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll never find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life – and who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I’m scared of trusting someone only to have my heart trampled on again. I’m scared of letting someone in, of wasting my time, of wasting their time, of settling.

I’m rambling. I’m contridicting. I’m not even sure what the point of this was. I apologize for rambling about nothing.

Oh and PS – Mr. NG has seemingly disappeared. Another one bites the dust.